It’s not a race

I'm not normally one to rush things. Or rather rush into things.

I've always believed firmly that friends come first! I keep good people around me, I let the ones who don't bring positive things to my life go and I have zero time for fakeness and bravado!

I'm a sharer, I share everything (you'd never guess I was basically an only child, I say basically as I do have half siblings, but I never lived with them), possibly too much at first, but this is how I know I can trust someone, It’s probably a terrible way to start a friendship, cos I run the risk of getting hurt. But I continue to do it anyway.

But when it comes to relationships with boys, or rather a boy I want to be in a relationship with, I find I clam up, I find it hard to let them see my vulnerable sides. I'm the Boss Bitch, totally in control of my life. Even when I'm not. Even to the point where, as uncomfortable as I can be in my skin, I can't go for a run with them, can't show me struggling. Even though showing them that I can do something about the things that make me uncomfortable which probably would be a lot better than me just saying no in substations. Trying is so much sexier than not, even if it’s a struggle.

This time it’s different, this time I'm different.

About 8 years ago I broke up with a boy I thought was going to be my forever. We'd grown up and turned into different people, I was chasing something different, something I thought I wanted. I soon found out that wasn't going to work.

Then I was basically single for forever. I dated, dated for a few months, a week, a night. But I knew none of them were right because things were still so false. I wasn't letting guards down.

Then I met a boy the night before NYE 2016. It was a drunken night and he was fun. We went on a few dates after, but I was so fed up with my life. Fed up with my weight, my job. He went traveling and I dropped contact with him. As is the way these days we had each other on social media and I had started eating better and actually working out correctly and I started losing weight and most importantly, feeling better about myself.

We bumped into each other October 2017, again another drunken night out and we linked back up.

This time I was happier and willing to see what happened.

Date turned into date turned into GF/BF.

9 months later and we talk about the future, both of us as open as we can get but both knowing that things happen sometimes and nothing is definite but both willing and wanting to take this as far as it goes. According to friends (his and mine) the way we are together is really positive. It's quite scary how comfortable we are together. But neither one of us is blindsided.

I have finally let him see me, let him see me sweat in the gym, he's seen me cry (really ugly cry too) he's seen me happy, drunk, and stressed. He's seen me get passionate about things, and bitch about thing, he's seen nearly every side I have.

He still looks at me with such wonder, I always ask him what he's looking at and his response is always, "you".

This is where the race comes in, we've done quite a lot in 9 months, we've been away to other countries for concerts, weddings. We've been on road trips. We've danced around like idiots, we've smiled and cried and talked for hours. We've talked about all the things we'd love to do together, and in general in our lives.

I want to race through all this to enjoy every moment with him, I want all the struggles there's going to be along the way. I want to experience as much as I can is this life.

But it shouldn't be rushed.

So I won't.

Thanks for reading

Keep it Positive

Nessa

Instagram: @KawaiiVeganNess

Twitter: @KawaiiVeganNess