It's ok, not to be ok....

But god I wish I was ok....

These past 4 weeks she been so hard. I've been putting on a brave face. But I'm hurting so much.

First came the pain. The tight chest and the constant pain in my arm, the not sleeping, I went to work, I tried to normalise myself. But I couldn't. Off I went to A&E, my heart, ohh fine thanks for asking.

But my mind, maybe not so much....

3 weeks on and the physical pains have left.
And left me so empty....

15 year old Nessa is back with a vengeance.
She's so sad but trying to be so happy on the outside. And I'm trying so hard not to push people away. I'm trying so hard not to say something to worry anyone.

I don't want to go out....Unless it a one on one, I can just about deal with that at the minute.

I know my mood gets low if I I haven't been to the gym in a while. But I went twice this week.

I've got a holiday to look forward to, but that's stressing me out cos I'm comfort eating and I feel like a squishy potato.

I need to do so many little things that they're looking like a small mountain at the minute. I don't know how to ask for help....

12 Years

28th November 2006 - The day my world changed

The years got easier, then harder again.

The more things that change in my life, the more I want to share them with you.

I want to introduce you to my best friends, I want you to laugh with them the way you laughed with me.

I want you to meet the guy who makes me smile like you did.

I want you to be mad at the choices I'm making, the tattoos I have, the fact I moved to London. And then I want you to forgive me like i know you would.

Mama tells me all the time "you wouldn't be doing that if you're dad was still here!" and I tell here, "well he's not is he!" 
But I know you would still love me! We're very different people, but I don't think you would have ever fallen out with me for long over these silly things!

And I can tell myself this because you're not here, and maybe I don't 100% know how you would react, no one would. 12 years changes a person a lot! 

What I do know is you would have gone MAD for Game of Thrones, You would have loved all the Marvel films! You'd still love Beyonce! You'd have worried about me going out to gigs, I doubt Mama could have kept my stage diving antics from you much longer. You would have complained about all the music I listen to! But I doubt the volume!

But I'd still have all that over not having you.

I'm so greatful that I got to know the love you had to give me. I'll always have that....

It’s not a race

I'm not normally one to rush things. Or rather rush into things.

I've always believed firmly that friends come first! I keep good people around me, I let the ones who don't bring positive things to my life go and I have zero time for fakeness and bravado!

I'm a sharer, I share everything (you'd never guess I was basically an only child, I say basically as I do have half siblings, but I never lived with them), possibly too much at first, but this is how I know I can trust someone, It’s probably a terrible way to start a friendship, cos I run the risk of getting hurt. But I continue to do it anyway.

But when it comes to relationships with boys, or rather a boy I want to be in a relationship with, I find I clam up, I find it hard to let them see my vulnerable sides. I'm the Boss Bitch, totally in control of my life. Even when I'm not. Even to the point where, as uncomfortable as I can be in my skin, I can't go for a run with them, can't show me struggling. Even though showing them that I can do something about the things that make me uncomfortable which probably would be a lot better than me just saying no in substations. Trying is so much sexier than not, even if it’s a struggle.

This time it’s different, this time I'm different.

About 8 years ago I broke up with a boy I thought was going to be my forever. We'd grown up and turned into different people, I was chasing something different, something I thought I wanted. I soon found out that wasn't going to work.

Then I was basically single for forever. I dated, dated for a few months, a week, a night. But I knew none of them were right because things were still so false. I wasn't letting guards down.

Then I met a boy the night before NYE 2016. It was a drunken night and he was fun. We went on a few dates after, but I was so fed up with my life. Fed up with my weight, my job. He went traveling and I dropped contact with him. As is the way these days we had each other on social media and I had started eating better and actually working out correctly and I started losing weight and most importantly, feeling better about myself.

We bumped into each other October 2017, again another drunken night out and we linked back up.

This time I was happier and willing to see what happened.

Date turned into date turned into GF/BF.

9 months later and we talk about the future, both of us as open as we can get but both knowing that things happen sometimes and nothing is definite but both willing and wanting to take this as far as it goes. According to friends (his and mine) the way we are together is really positive. It's quite scary how comfortable we are together. But neither one of us is blindsided.

I have finally let him see me, let him see me sweat in the gym, he's seen me cry (really ugly cry too) he's seen me happy, drunk, and stressed. He's seen me get passionate about things, and bitch about thing, he's seen nearly every side I have.

He still looks at me with such wonder, I always ask him what he's looking at and his response is always, "you".

This is where the race comes in, we've done quite a lot in 9 months, we've been away to other countries for concerts, weddings. We've been on road trips. We've danced around like idiots, we've smiled and cried and talked for hours. We've talked about all the things we'd love to do together, and in general in our lives.

I want to race through all this to enjoy every moment with him, I want all the struggles there's going to be along the way. I want to experience as much as I can is this life.

But it shouldn't be rushed.

So I won't.

Thanks for reading

Keep it Positive

Nessa

Instagram: @KawaiiVeganNess

Twitter: @KawaiiVeganNess

Sticks and Stones

Sorry I've been absent, life has been very hectic.

I've been up and down with my weight this last few months.

But I'm back, not 100% following the slimming world ways at the moment, mostly because of the lack of cash flow in my life, so I'm on a diet of "eating what's in the cupboards". Have a look at my Instagram (@KawaiiVeganNess) for the kind of things that I'm eating.

But back to the title in hand, we've all heard the phrase, "sticks and stones my break my bones but words will never hurt me!"

Well, and I've always known this, sometimes words cut like a knife.

Growing up I learnt that words were just that, words, and I could take them to heart or I could let them wash over me. I've always been pretty good and disregarding someone's negativity if I don't like the sounds of it. Or if that person has no positive impact on my life any other time, why should the words they speak now affect me.

Then sometimes someone close to you utters a few little words that absolutely crush your soul.

We're the worst at saying something in the wrong context or saying something that comes out way harsher than we actually mean.
We're also the worst at taking something someone says and over analysing it and blowing it way out of proportion.

Recently someone close to me said a phrase that was meant to sound like reassurance, meant in a way that should have come across as a comfort to how negative I way being about myself.

I tried to laugh it off, but that one small word grabbed my by the throat and threatened to take away every breath I was trying to breath.

"You're not that fat"

Emphasis the last 2 words individually every time you read that sentence; Either way, it stung.

It took me a few hours to stop running it round and round my head.

It took a few days for me to understand how it should have sounded.

It's still taking me some time to throw it away all together.

I am my BIGGEST critic (who isn't), and I am lucky enough to be surrounded by cheerleaders who constantly tell me to not be so hard on myself and tell me how amazing, beautiful, gorgeous I am.

It takes me a long time to believe people, and when you believe someone the rest of the time, that one misspoken word then means so much more.

I am shaking this off, I am trying to make myself love my outer shell, because I love who I am, just not always how I look.

I got this!

Thanks for reading

Keep it Positive

Nessa

Instagram: endless_night07
Twitter: Endless_Night07
Pinterest: endlessnight7
Snapchat: endless_night7

Fit-Ness part 2

My last post was so in the zone. 

So inspired.....then my birthday happened. 

It was a messy affair, on top of that i was at a friends house for the last 2 weeks looking after their Cat while they were away.....and then the old me kicked in.

Being away from the gym and it taking me at least an hour and a half to get home every night (which i know is normal for some people) took its toll on my positive metal attitude(PMA)

Before I went to "The Cat House" (as its known now). I checked to see if there was a gym near by. There was, but pay as you go for just 2 days was more expensive than one month at my regular gym. I took my work out clothes with me, hoping to get some HIIT training in, but with all the train delays (most days) by the time i got home, fed the cat it was bed time!!

So i fell into some bad snacking habits..."it's my birthday", yeah not for two weeks love. I do love to drag a birthday out but i was totally using this as an excuse to just eat and eat!!

On both the weekends i was at The Cat House, i did manage to drag my ass out for a run. The first was great, first outdoor run of the year! I was proud. Then a friend stayed over the next weekend and we headed out to do a Park Run! Again, awesome, ran the whole thing (as did my friend who I'm super proud of)

So now I'm home!!

Its been 4 days. And in that 4 days I've been for a run after work with a friend. Two runs before work (and this morning smashed yesterdays time!!) And been to the gym twice. Fit-Ness is back in the zone!! I had only put a pound back on over the two weeks. And I've managed to shift that so far and another one! So things are looking up!!

Watch this space for more updates!!

As always

Keep it Positive

Nessa

Instagram: endless_night07
Twitter: Endless_Night07
Pinterest: endlessnight7
Snapchat: endless_night7

Veganniversary - One Year In!!

Its been a whole year!! Since i turned Vegan!!

This last year has seen some massive changes in the Vegan movement and thats just from my point of view, i can only imagine how people who've been Vegan for much longer feel!!

This last year has made me feel mad at times, sad at times and believe in the human race again!! Wooo

There's some things I've realised that almost go hand in hand with Veganism. Vegans believe in the equality of animals and humans. So its obvious that vegans would be feminists! To believe in the equality of ALL humanity!!  We shouldn't be abusing animals for our pleasure just like we shouldn't be abusing other humans for our gain!!

Pre-gan (pre vegan) i was oblivious to how much suffering was happening to animals, and honestly, didn't really want to know because that would mean I'd need to change. And i wasn't ready.

When I'm passionate about something, you're gonna damn well know about it. But i know that getting passionate about Veganism only fuels all none vegans arguments that "all vegans are angry, shouty, pushy crazy people" but we're not....

Imagine you've got solid proof that your best friends partner is cheating on them...you go in with the evidence and they don't want to see it or hear what you've got to say. You're gonna get a bit irate, shout a little, all because you want to look after your bestie, you want them to see the truth. So you argue and maybe fall out for a little because you can't understand why they don't want to hear what you have to say....so you're gonna start looking a little crazy.

Well that's how i feel when someone comes at me with "a fact", i say it like this because the things people usually say to me are stuff that's now old wives tales, "eggs are a great source of protein" yeah maybe 50 years ago....we also have to remember that smoking was promoted by your doctor 50 years ago!

"Egg corporations aren't even allowed to say things like "Eggs are an important part of a well balanced, healthy diet" on an egg carton because it would be considered misleading, according to the USDA's National Egg Supervisor since eggs contain significant amounts of fat and cholesterol, and therefore can contribute to the leading killer in the United States, heart disease."

Want to learn some more facts about eggs
.... Eggs - Healthy or not?

I've had my moments over this year...bursting into tears after having a few bevvies with my besties (who aren't vegan) cos i want to teach them all this stuff that's now running round my head. I've got a bit sassy with people because the "facts" they're throwing at me have no context or its "bro science" you know, my mate told his mate who told his mate, so there for its now a fact!!

But I've learnt that i cannot lose my cool, because when i do no one will even think about listening. And I've never wanted to be someone who forces my beliefs onto others. But when people start pushing their way of life on me...or come out with "yeah well, my food shits on your food" (this was said before i even said anything about vegan!!) Prepare for me to start saying things you won't want to hear.... 

To anyone else talk about how nice your steak for lunch was...and I'll nod and smile, so when i say how nice my veggies and rice was, please have the courtesy to do the same!!

As always

Keep it Positive

Nessa

Instagram: endless_night07
Twitter: Endless_Night07
Pinterest: endlessnight7
Snapchat: endless_night7

Fit-Ness - The Intro

Its almost my 29th Birthday as i write this....and for the last few years I've been guilty of being one of those, "lets start doing something about my body" every new year! (or usually after my birthday seen as its so close to the holiday period)

I don't do diets....i hate the word...the word alone makes me want to go and eat a whole packet of bourbons!! I know i am no good with harsh restrictions, so i don't do it to myself! 

But i know my way of eating (both pre-gan and Vegan) haven't been the best. Better than i ever used to eat, but that's easy when everything i used to eat was beige, not counting the ketchup!!

When i turned vegan i thought (naively so) that this would be the end of me being over weight (or obese to quote the doctors!) I thought it would force me to eat well...and I guess it forces me to eat better. but as i said in the previous sentence, most Bourbons are VEGAN!! and they are NOT healthy!

I'm coming up to my first anniversary of being Vegan, and as i look back on the last year, I'm ok with what i was eating, there's a LOT of amazing vegan food out there, and being in London, i have eaten out a lot. and not a lot of that was ever healthy. But as i came to realise in my vegan journey, the animal and environmental side of it became a lot more important to me as i went on. I have learnt that i eat a lot of processed food, but i am making that a smaller part of the food i consume.

Just before Christmas i started back at the gym, I've always been on for the gym or Zumba or something, but back last year, i was struggling with pain in my ankle and then i went traveling for a little bit, and that all resulted in me becoming lazy.
I have fixed the problem with my ankles now (who knew a simple heel insert would be the difference between absolute agony and sure comfort!?!)
So back to the gym i went, with the help of a friend, we started going together, we both need each others motivation at the minute and i am truly grateful for her!!

I have been eating well....well better, and keeping a diary which has been helping me be more conscious of what i'm eating (and that's a lot of the battle) and what better way of keeping me on track than to announce it to the internet so you guys can hold me accountable. Lets be clear, until i like fruit, I will never be as fit as i could be, because even if i get my main meals 100% spot on, my sweet snacks will always be terrible, but there will be less of them! So if you see me (or catch me on Instagram) having a biscuit or Ice-cream. Don't go in too hard on me!

So That being said, welcome to Fit-Ness, the name for my fitness Journey Blog, I will try to do updates often on where i'm at with training, my weight and my food. 

My goals:

• to be fit (being able to run for a good distance without wanting to pass-out!)
• To be strong! I would love to be able to squat my own body weight by the end of the year!
• To be happy in my own body! (Not interested in being skinny, I want to be curvy and less jiggly than i am currently!)

As always

Keep it Positive

Nessa

Instagram: endless_night07
Twitter: Endless_Night07
Pinterest: endlessnight7
Snapchat: endless_night7